Truth

I want to throw the truth out of my mind, but I'm afraid a friend will reach out on a reflex and catch it. I want to say I'm not okay, without those words slipping out and hanging on for dear life to your smile,

until its weight is too much for your sweet smile to bear
 and the words fall--leaving a frown there.

I don't want to lie.
I want to tell you there are nights that I cry

And cry
And cry
And cry

I camp out in my room
With worry
And we forget to close the door
And a gang called "fear" comes galloping in,
 wearing masks that even closed eyes can see
The end of the world is just behind them

As they get closer and closer
The end of the world
Is still just behind them

I get lost searching for my breath
Surrounded by a forest of death

And that's not the kind of neighborhood
I want to walk a beautiful soul
 like you through

So I leave you a map
To a false place
With the design of
A happier face

Maybe one day
I'll meet you there

If I could sleep long enough
to dream a way out
of this nightmare

Maybe one day
 I'll meet you there

Something To Hold

It is when my hands
find themselves in an empty place
and my mind
 has somewhere it needs to go
that they seek the only vehicle they know

The ink
and my beating, bleeding heart
leap onto the page simultaneously
like two souls
hand in hand
taking their final leap off a bridge
into a river
that will accept their eternal devotion
and embrace their fate

Sometimes
at the end of a poem
I'm born again.
I close my fist
around my pen
like a newborn's hand
closes around momma's finger.

Our first instinct
is to hold love
when it meets us;
It's not part of our instinct
to let go--

I think that's why I always
search for something safe to hold
when my hands reach out
and feel only a breeze

I need something still
that only moves
when it moves with me
...like this pen.

To Balance The Light and Heavy

I still remember when love and loss first ran away from a country music song to come and sit with me in silence. I've attended funerals, but never buried love. Friendship wears a super hero's cape--when it's not soaring, it still holds the scent of a freshly painted sky... and I wake up on a familiar couch wrapped up like Christmas in a familiar blanket, with clouds imprinted on my cheek and the color of heaven faded on my fingertips. I kiss goodbye on the lips everyday and let it leave without me. Hello is a better kisser, but goodbye can still tempt me. Morning whispers one secret to me each visit-- I'm collecting them; Their value increases each day. I cut off the bread and eat the crusts. Not everything is a metaphor. Last night I saved a drowning victim in the bottom of a pool in my dream. I have a fear of swimming under water. I love flying. I wonder if a hot air balloon could stay up in the air holding the weight of what I feel. I hope emotions won't turn into kryptonite. I hope much more than I feel-- mostly to balance the light and heavy. I'm grateful for everything--even the pain, though it's not my favorite four letter word.

Just Say When

I could follow you
all the way
to the shadows of your fears

Spoil your heart with yes
When the stars tell you no

I'll stay with you--
Plant our feet
Just above the root of sorrow
And grow our wishes

I know where the breeze
Loves to sail

I know where the moonbeams
Sneak off to kiss

I'll hold you

until life returns
To shake off the past

However long it takes

If you wake
Dehydrated
 in the middle of the night

I could fill your glass

Just say when

I'll pour like April
Until you shine like May

Just Missed You

I move silently
Through the spaces you left
And all I have to hold
is a deep breath

The air sneaks through
Then pauses to ask
If I've seen you

I guess we both
Must have
just missed you...

A Day Full of Sand

I wonder if the earth
Feels my determination
When I etch your name in sand

I write to you there
Because time is an ocean
That sneaks toward the land
To reclaim its shells

I trace your name
Just beyond the salty reach
To keep you on the map
While my grief swells

I bury my compass
In a trampled castle
Beside an abandoned pail
And a plastic shovel

Feeling the burning circle's reflection.
Life now faces
 this grave direction.

I would rather see where you went
than know where I'm going.

I just want a glimpse
of you soaring through.

Instead, I wander
 with a day full of sand
And a mind full of you.

Where Do I Fit In?

Where do I fit in?
The question stuck
like a refrigerator magnet--
mocking me
every time I opened my mind.

The unused corners.
Kneeling in the dust,
prayers in the cobwebs.

finish line tape
piled in unmarked boxes

Inspiration glowed above me.
I felt someone love me,
but my hands would not reply;
what's the use
if I can't fly?

The clouds
have already claimed the sky.

Grieving in Reverse

They say you're in a pretty place,
Splashing up some sun-showers.
Lost smiles find your sweet face;

Give them a kiss hello,
and then hurry back.

They say I'll see you again;
They say a lot of things.
They all mean well,
but the one thing their lips won't tell
is what is most true:

Year after year
I'm switching to a calendar
Full of days you cannot cross.

New seconds won't know you;
And time
now feels like
A stranger to me.


I'm hesitant to tell you how I've been...

In the beginning,
shock slammed the awful
into a stone wall
but now, more than ever,
I hear the silence call.

Now, more than ever,
there are too many thin lines.

Boxing matches
dancing a heavy weight on my mind.

Words slipping through--
they can't be coming from me.

Tears running,
 while I stand here blue;
 they jog toward a memory of you.

There are no driving instructions
for grieving in reverse;

The days get lonelier.
Most nights feel like a reigning curse.

Fuck pretending!
Fuck strength!


I feel worse.