Missing You

Lately,

I have been visiting days

specifically those

 that knew you quite well

asking them to share a memory or two

I have been touching walls

that you've spoken to

when I was too busy to listen

hoping to feel 

leftover vibrations of your voice

I have been walking in reverse

tracing the steps back to

the moment when you lost your life

wishfully thinking I could find it 

and give it back to you

I have been painting the words

"I love you always"

mixing my bleeding heart
with the bluest days

because purple was your favorite color

I have been cursing

 time's impatience

it knew you were always getting lost

 and arriving fashionably late

yet it selfishly refused to wait...

I guess that must be 

why these hours are so lonely

they really missed out on something

 so incredibly beautiful
and indescribably great

Opening The Book

I hold within my palms
ashamed tears
proud smiles
desperate prayers
deep steady breaths
 rushing through
 a tunneled fist of night
determined to heal
 the frost's harsh bite

Hopeful fingers cross
Constant cowering
Unavoidable loss
Discovery
Insanity
bouncing assiduously off the walls
like a hell-bent racket
fighting stubborn tennis balls

nervously nibbling nails
leaping spits of bravery
emotions
no longer victims of slavery

forgotten gratitude
swallowed hunger
soul screaming
like echoes of fired shots
when life roughly
combs through the knots

I show them
like corridors filled
with judgments old and new
 hung by shaky hands
for crooked eyes to view

I leave them open and free
like pastures of expressions
explorers have claimed
and named
while piercing their flags
straight through my heart

all that has grown within me
I now lay it all down
for a thousand sights to soil
for love to nurture
for hatred to boil
for thieves to take
for neglect to rot

I toss my book on the table
the pages are always flipping
even when my mind is not

Eviction Notice

Tonight I would prefer

 to not harbor my pain.

The earth has soaked up

the last of the meteor's rain
and the air is requesting to come inside.

Beneath a wonder

that juggles more

than my mind’s ability to conceive,

I no longer can stand to grieve

So I ask

 if it would care for my sorrow,

give my troubles a new home

if I evict my tears

to leave my heart open —

A spacious place

for lighter things to occupy

emotions swimming,

always swimming

against the current;

I think it's time they fly.

A change of pace — 

leave the salty water 

for the candy coated sky.

So tired of the aching

it's likely just as tired of me

so how about

we set each other's weariness free

Not Guilty

My lover is not a thief

he never stole my heart;

it is still where it has always been

of that I'm certain,

or I would not feel its beating.

He warmed my life with his breath

when he whispered

spring butterflies into my ears

and my heart chased them

 all the way to June.

My lover is not guilty

he never took my love;

he lit it with his summer hands

when they touched
 the willow's shadow

on my skin,

and banished the sad shape

 before it had the chance

 to reach down

and tattoo me with its tears.

My lover is not a marauder

he never invaded my soul

he walked up toward the fence

that protected the garden

of my blossoming dreams,
 carrying fresh water 
and some extra seeds

and asked, most earnestly if he could help

My lover never committed a crime

He committed his love to mine

For Megan

 A poem for my youngest sister

I was lost somewhere between 7 and 8

You, were a bundle of silly,

 spoiled and small

 I was tall

Though not quite reaching the height

to where I could appreciate you

I could count the quarters

 I found between the cushions

yet when it came to your value

It would be years

until I could do that kind of math

And now the equation all makes sense…

Two dimes, a nickel and a penny later

I’m no longer looking for change.

I’m turning to the one that remains

 beside my shoulder.

On cracked cement,

On sand and rocks

Through waves.

Through each year like a breath

That can’t be held for too long

 I proudly watch your wisdom age

though I secretly hope a small part of you

will stay young enough.

Young enough to sometimes need me.

Young enough to always learn.

Young enough to grow older.

Where joy meets a prayer,

my eyes recognize you there.

You, 3rd of 3

Half like one and half like two

Or that’s how I often saw you

Now in the very center of your soul

I see a spark all your own

That only your fingerprints can ignite

In time you’ll leave a blazing path

That will knock the wind out of heaven

And shock the rain too hard to fall

And I’ll be there

with a smile and a tear

Bragging to the stars that I know you.

Life

Sometimes it eavesdrops  

And leaves sympathetic tears

on a flower

that opens its deepest thoughts

to a fellow bud

Sometimes it finds a vast, quiet spot

free of rocky mountains of troubles

and stands alone

to exhale the day away

Sometimes it needs

To build its own warmth

Blaze a hearth 

with the spark of a relaxed grin

Sometimes it jealously crashes

To steal the air’s attention

Away from the perfect sun

Most of the time, it just needs

 an uncaptured moment

For its dreams to run

All photos courtesy of http://www.morguefile.com

Separation

Today I walked away

Alone

But stronger than any pair.

 I met myself

at the corner of midnight

then walked until I found the sun.

I patiently walked,

though I wanted to run.

Today I divorced fear,

 packed my courage,

folded my prayers

 and tucked them in a suitcase.

I took my framed dreams

off of the surrounding walls

 then rested them securely

among the cushions of love 

and all things that will not be rejected

by the laws of time travel.

Today I walked away.

Tomorrow I will fly.

I’ll  blow a goodbye kiss

from the chainless sky

to all of the doubts

that I left so far behind,

shackled in my former prison
so they will never follow me.

This

This is like nothing else

And so this I can’t explain.

This isn’t like thunder

Because thunder loudly comes and goes

And this silently stays

This is nothing like the rain

Because the rain fills the rivers

and helps the living grow

This drains my strength

This stunts my heart’s growth

This is nothing like grief

Because grief is the lowest of many steps

This doesn't lead my shoes
 to any higher levels
This curls alone in a dark corner

This is nothing like madness

Because madness stems from passion

And has wide, intense open eyes

This has no loving roots

This is a weed suffocated beneath cement

This is nothing like pain

Because no drug can numb this

This can’t be put to sleep with pills

This lies beside insomnia

With no hope for a peaceful coma

This is nothing like fear

Because fear is conceived by the unfamiliar

And I know this too well

This can’t be conquered face to face

This has no face

This isn’t rage

Because rage can be hushed

Like a strong breath to a candle’s flame

This burns

 like a thousand year old unknown part of space

This has no metaphor

This has no image

This has no voice

And I hope you never know this

Where is Your Heart

You tell me your mouth can sing a tune

That tricks an angel into thinking heaven moved

as she starts to pack her things

And spreads her wings

But where is your heart?

Can I hear your heart?

You tell me you can lift

 your weight and mine in tragedy

and carry it forever without putting it down

You can be stabbed with sorrow’s sword and never frown

But where is your heart?

Can I hold your heart?

You know words so large,

they bulge out of margins

and that’s okay,

 because you can tailor their pages in such a fancy way

But where is your heart?

Can I read your heart?

Can you show me a smile

Those words have magically marked on a face?

Can you show me the goosebumps

That formed when your travelling voice

reached the soul beneath another’s flesh?

Where is your heart?

Can you show me your heart?

All this strength and talent you carry

Mean very little to me

 if your heart

isn’t big enough for distant eyes to see.

So put your heart inside 

everything you share

and help love move the world

Turbulence

Walking upside down

a million paces behind the morning

The stars my stepping stones,

The night sky my pond

I figure if anything can teach my feet

The right steps

In the dance of life

It would be the constellations.

Sometimes though

I look up at earth

And miss it so…

 I forget that it rarely had time for me

And back again, like a turbulent affair,

 to the ground I go

Strolling through

 a summer’s dream

The moon hides

Lost love behind its face

 Love that used to reside

between the sand

And ocean’s greeting kiss

Every time I walk the shore

I find that I miss you more

And back again, to the sky, I go.

Like a plane
 passing through,

A piece of me forever flies

Over a waving sea of goodbyes.

Everyday my life begins

At a vacation’s end.

My heart is a tired traveler

with no more postcards to send.

One Day

I walked and walked

But no new distance ever grew;

Same thin space remained,

tightly tucked in my back pocket.

So then I flew and flew,

and was just a flame short

of the dawn viewing me as a rocket.

I spoke and spoke,

Though my voice

 never awoke

 the snoring wind

I smiled when asked

But beneath the mask,

I never grinned.

Each time I planted hope,

Winter overstayed its welcome

And the earth just couldn’t cope.

Still I move

Still I fly

Still I speak

Yes, still I try

All without

A thousand reasons why.

except for the most obvious one...

If I persist,

One day, my spring will come

The Sun Sleeps on the Mountain

(For my 5 year old niece Shaniya, who asked me if the sun sleeps on the mountain)

To feel as young,

As summer in June

And as rested as

The sun that sleeps

On a bed of leaves

Beneath a mountain’s tallest tree

Long lashes, and expressive eyes
hint an age far greater
and thoughts far brighter
than her August candles' glow
even the bottom of the massive ocean
couldn't compare to the depth of the poetry in her soul

Before she had teeth

To peek through her effervescent smile
I could hear the questions
I'd never think to know

If love had an alias,

it would use her name in moments like these

She rushes for an embrace

And I see joy reveal itself

through her open arms
As she shares her spirit through her laughter
all my despondency in that instant, is removed
and replaced with immortal hope

With each visit
her heart teaches me
the lessons life hides
like eggs in Easter grass
and each day that knows her
is a little more brilliant for it.

As I Go On

As I go on

strolling

through days and hours

 that I’d much rather give to you

I spent 31 years unknowing

I wouldn’t have any more

With you to see me through

I close my eyes,

and fade into nights

Where I dream this is all untrue

If life were fair

I’d give you a watch

Filled with all of my time

But it caught me unaware

and struck me deep

 with my biggest fear

If you could have it all

I’d be more than okay with none

 I keep asking a thousand questions

And the sky won’t even answer one

I’m wishing my thoughts

Were as light as the clouds

so the wind can easily push them away

Instead, heavy and loud

There in my mind they always stay

And the more I picture your smile

The more I wish I didn’t have to go on

With just a picture everyday

I miss you

It’s all I can think, and all I can say

My Little Sister ( A poem for Amanda)

My Little Sister (A Poem For Amanda)

Although now you are grown

my little sister I will always see

Yet I don’t think there was ever

 a time you looked up to me

You were always so independent

Knew how to work the VCR when you were three

I had to watch the Breakfast Club

And White Water Summer, A thousand times a week

I was the quiet one and you

still haven’t stopped talking since you learned how to speak

You and I-We are

like day and night

Even our initials (A.M. and P.M.)

Fits us so right

But there is one thing we share

 That’s my love for you and your love for me

I’m your big sister

And you will always mean the world to me

I recall the countless times

You pissed me off and I wanted to knock you out

Then you made me feel bad

When your eyes were sad and your lips would pout

no matter how many times our characters clashed

We were there for each other when we needed to be

You know you’re my little sister

And you will always mean the world to me

As a child you

 cracked me up with your silly ways

And even sometimes you still do now

You brightened up most of my days

But good through bad- in my heart

 my love for you forever stays

No matter

how often we may disagree

I’m proud to be your big sister and

You will always mean the world to me

Until Then

She wears shades

On cloudy days,

Hears rhymes

Whispered by willows

And deeply breathes them in

Until it’s time to exhale

The words through her pen

She waltzes with memories

Until sadness cuts in

And then her dancing shoes disappear

There’s never a prince to find them

But there’s always next year

She can play the piano with her heart

But her hands aren’t as smart

No one understands

And she says that’s okay

she gets lost in the darkness

trying to find a brand new day

and the man on the moon

Has no hands to point the way

 or join in with a violin

So she shakes her head

And gives a sigh

Wishes the sky

Wasn’t so high

Jealous of planes

They have no soul, yet they can fly

She doesn't want to blend

She doesn't want to mend

She just wants to be

without stubbing her toes on distractions

that interrupt the beauty

One day 

she’ll find a way

When she remembers how to try

Until then, she’ll stand alone

Just like the letter I.