Missing You

Lately,

I have been visiting days

specifically those

 that knew you quite well

asking them to share a memory or two

I have been touching walls

that you've spoken to

when I was too busy to listen

hoping to feel 

leftover vibrations of your voice

I have been walking in reverse

tracing the steps back to

the moment when you lost your life

wishfully thinking I could find it 

and give it back to you

I have been painting the words

"I love you always"

mixing my bleeding heart
with the bluest days

because purple was your favorite color

I have been cursing

 time's impatience

it knew you were always getting lost

 and arriving fashionably late

yet it selfishly refused to wait...

I guess that must be 

why these hours are so lonely

they really missed out on something

 so incredibly beautiful
and indescribably great

Opening The Book

I hold within my palms
ashamed tears
proud smiles
desperate prayers
deep steady breaths
 rushing through
 a tunneled fist of night
determined to heal
 the frost's harsh bite

Hopeful fingers cross
Constant cowering
Unavoidable loss
Discovery
Insanity
bouncing assiduously off the walls
like a hell-bent racket
fighting stubborn tennis balls

nervously nibbling nails
leaping spits of bravery
emotions
no longer victims of slavery

forgotten gratitude
swallowed hunger
soul screaming
like echoes of fired shots
when life roughly
combs through the knots

I show them
like corridors filled
with judgments old and new
 hung by shaky hands
for crooked eyes to view

I leave them open and free
like pastures of expressions
explorers have claimed
and named
while piercing their flags
straight through my heart

all that has grown within me
I now lay it all down
for a thousand sights to soil
for love to nurture
for hatred to boil
for thieves to take
for neglect to rot

I toss my book on the table
the pages are always flipping
even when my mind is not

Eviction Notice

Tonight I would prefer

 to not harbor my pain.

The earth has soaked up

the last of the meteor's rain
and the air is requesting to come inside.

Beneath a wonder

that juggles more

than my mind’s ability to conceive,

I no longer can stand to grieve

So I ask

 if it would care for my sorrow,

give my troubles a new home

if I evict my tears

to leave my heart open —

A spacious place

for lighter things to occupy

emotions swimming,

always swimming

against the current;

I think it's time they fly.

A change of pace — 

leave the salty water 

for the candy coated sky.

So tired of the aching

it's likely just as tired of me

so how about

we set each other's weariness free

Not Guilty

My lover is not a thief

he never stole my heart;

it is still where it has always been

of that I'm certain,

or I would not feel its beating.

He warmed my life with his breath

when he whispered

spring butterflies into my ears

and my heart chased them

 all the way to June.

My lover is not guilty

he never took my love;

he lit it with his summer hands

when they touched
 the willow's shadow

on my skin,

and banished the sad shape

 before it had the chance

 to reach down

and tattoo me with its tears.

My lover is not a marauder

he never invaded my soul

he walked up toward the fence

that protected the garden

of my blossoming dreams,
 carrying fresh water 
and some extra seeds

and asked, most earnestly if he could help

My lover never committed a crime

He committed his love to mine

For Megan

 A poem for my youngest sister

I was lost somewhere between 7 and 8

You, were a bundle of silly,

 spoiled and small

 I was tall

Though not quite reaching the height

to where I could appreciate you

I could count the quarters

 I found between the cushions

yet when it came to your value

It would be years

until I could do that kind of math

And now the equation all makes sense…

Two dimes, a nickel and a penny later

I’m no longer looking for change.

I’m turning to the one that remains

 beside my shoulder.

On cracked cement,

On sand and rocks

Through waves.

Through each year like a breath

That can’t be held for too long

 I proudly watch your wisdom age

though I secretly hope a small part of you

will stay young enough.

Young enough to sometimes need me.

Young enough to always learn.

Young enough to grow older.

Where joy meets a prayer,

my eyes recognize you there.

You, 3rd of 3

Half like one and half like two

Or that’s how I often saw you

Now in the very center of your soul

I see a spark all your own

That only your fingerprints can ignite

In time you’ll leave a blazing path

That will knock the wind out of heaven

And shock the rain too hard to fall

And I’ll be there

with a smile and a tear

Bragging to the stars that I know you.

Fragile Strings

A fragile string of a violin

Waiting for that tender caress

Of the understanding bow

So that it may express its sorrow;

For that reliable ear

 leaning all of its attention toward the neglected soul.

The constant vibrations of pain

hoping to be guided

to harmony’s healing home.

Ailing hearts whisper to the melody

You’re not alone…

Offering an answer to the aching

Cries for companionship

That is where pain and passion

collide their art to conceive

A beautiful mess

Traveling like a spill,

much too swift

 and too great to fully absorb

But if you’re lucky

it will swim through your emotions
and stain your mind

Until solitude becomes a stranger

Until you become a part of

More than just the parts of you.

Life

Sometimes it eavesdrops  

And leaves sympathetic tears

on a flower

that opens its deepest thoughts

to a fellow bud

Sometimes it finds a vast, quiet spot

free of rocky mountains of troubles

and stands alone

to exhale the day away

Sometimes it needs

To build its own warmth

Blaze a hearth 

with the spark of a relaxed grin

Sometimes it jealously crashes

To steal the air’s attention

Away from the perfect sun

Most of the time, it just needs

 an uncaptured moment

For its dreams to run

All photos courtesy of http://www.morguefile.com

Separation

Today I walked away

Alone

But stronger than any pair.

 I met myself

at the corner of midnight

then walked until I found the sun.

I patiently walked,

though I wanted to run.

Today I divorced fear,

 packed my courage,

folded my prayers

 and tucked them in a suitcase.

I took my framed dreams

off of the surrounding walls

 then rested them securely

among the cushions of love 

and all things that will not be rejected

by the laws of time travel.

Today I walked away.

Tomorrow I will fly.

I’ll  blow a goodbye kiss

from the chainless sky

to all of the doubts

that I left so far behind,

shackled in my former prison
so they will never follow me.

This

This is like nothing else

And so this I can’t explain.

This isn’t like thunder

Because thunder loudly comes and goes

And this silently stays

This is nothing like the rain

Because the rain fills the rivers

and helps the living grow

This drains my strength

This stunts my heart’s growth

This is nothing like grief

Because grief is the lowest of many steps

This doesn't lead my shoes
 to any higher levels
This curls alone in a dark corner

This is nothing like madness

Because madness stems from passion

And has wide, intense open eyes

This has no loving roots

This is a weed suffocated beneath cement

This is nothing like pain

Because no drug can numb this

This can’t be put to sleep with pills

This lies beside insomnia

With no hope for a peaceful coma

This is nothing like fear

Because fear is conceived by the unfamiliar

And I know this too well

This can’t be conquered face to face

This has no face

This isn’t rage

Because rage can be hushed

Like a strong breath to a candle’s flame

This burns

 like a thousand year old unknown part of space

This has no metaphor

This has no image

This has no voice

And I hope you never know this

January Rain

January Rain

You were just as pretty

As the first fallen snow

You found the perfect spot

caressing the moonlight

against my parlor room window

And now, in the heart of my shadowed thoughts

 You still, and will always glow

Some will only think of you in summer

But in the freezing nights and short-lived days

I still wait for your sound, you know

And although there’s a blanket

Comforting the ground

The white silence doesn't soothe me

There was life with you around.

I wrote this poem this afternoon, while listening to this video.

Dedicated to my sister Amanda  1-30-81 - 8-17-12

she's showering heaven with her vivacious spirit

One Day

I walked and walked

But no new distance ever grew;

Same thin space remained,

tightly tucked in my back pocket.

So then I flew and flew,

and was just a flame short

of the dawn viewing me as a rocket.

I spoke and spoke,

Though my voice

 never awoke

 the snoring wind

I smiled when asked

But beneath the mask,

I never grinned.

Each time I planted hope,

Winter overstayed its welcome

And the earth just couldn’t cope.

Still I move

Still I fly

Still I speak

Yes, still I try

All without

A thousand reasons why.

except for the most obvious one...

If I persist,

One day, my spring will come

Inspiration

I think I’ll take a moment

To rest on your bed of thoughts

nap inside a painting of your cloudless dreams

 opening my eyes like small basement windows

that don’t often get much light

I think I’ll take some time

To play your song

 Harmony hushing my lips

 and tickling my ears

like a whisper silence waited for

I think I’ll take a second’s chance

To watch you dance partner-less

 around a symphony of new ideas

maybe your rhythm will teach a step

my soul can learn to do

I think I’ll take a day

and abandon myself

To be with you, instead

My Heaven

There is a place nearby

Where the longing

For the some things

And some ones are kept

For all that I can feel

 but no longer touch

It has no streams

It has no trees

dressed in green, gold or red

it has no cliffs

to sit on the edge

 and contemplate what ifs

It carries no clouds,

and no planes or birds

freely fly through

it holds no life,

just a memory of life that once was

It’s not the same as what I want

It’s what I presently have

There is a faraway place existing

Where I don’t yet exist

Where those some things

And some ones now live

Where butterflies

 frequently flutter

 as indigo happily swirls itself

 across a summer sky

It is swarming with eager smiles

Familiar, kind eyes

and open, fervent arms

It’s nourished through creation

Always bursting with fresh art

It holds life

A life that is now

It’s the same as what I want

And all I am yet to have again

My Heaven is when and where

these two places collide

Where the empty is filled

And when the lost is found

Wasted

Stole the blue

 from the morning sky

And used it to ink sorrow

Across my heart

Now newly tattooed

The only permanence that exists

In my autumn world

Of dead brown

And teasing gold

Where everything falls

After it finally changes

And nothing grows old

Just bare and cold

Now winter captures 

and consumes

These unfinished chapters

Though I’m too weary to rage

And tear off each white,

 wordless page

Just monotony and I

Snoozing through tomorrow’s alarm

And waking winded

 in a panic of forgotten tasks

a pond of wasted years

cupped in my palms

Splashing a face of unfaceable fears

Can’t revive the past

It’s all down the drain

Clogged with pain.

The Sun Sleeps on the Mountain

(For my 5 year old niece Shaniya, who asked me if the sun sleeps on the mountain)

To feel as young,

As summer in June

And as rested as

The sun that sleeps

On a bed of leaves

Beneath a mountain’s tallest tree

Long lashes, and expressive eyes
hint an age far greater
and thoughts far brighter
than her August candles' glow
even the bottom of the massive ocean
couldn't compare to the depth of the poetry in her soul

Before she had teeth

To peek through her effervescent smile
I could hear the questions
I'd never think to know

If love had an alias,

it would use her name in moments like these

She rushes for an embrace

And I see joy reveal itself

through her open arms
As she shares her spirit through her laughter
all my despondency in that instant, is removed
and replaced with immortal hope

With each visit
her heart teaches me
the lessons life hides
like eggs in Easter grass
and each day that knows her
is a little more brilliant for it.

As I Go On

As I go on

strolling

through days and hours

 that I’d much rather give to you

I spent 31 years unknowing

I wouldn’t have any more

With you to see me through

I close my eyes,

and fade into nights

Where I dream this is all untrue

If life were fair

I’d give you a watch

Filled with all of my time

But it caught me unaware

and struck me deep

 with my biggest fear

If you could have it all

I’d be more than okay with none

 I keep asking a thousand questions

And the sky won’t even answer one

I’m wishing my thoughts

Were as light as the clouds

so the wind can easily push them away

Instead, heavy and loud

There in my mind they always stay

And the more I picture your smile

The more I wish I didn’t have to go on

With just a picture everyday

I miss you

It’s all I can think, and all I can say

Duet

In a quiet room

 Filled with the calm of honest light

Our thoughts sang a duet over the rain

It was a few deep breaths in the night

That would heal this soul 

for infinite days to come

Risking all

the stinging, inevitable goodbyes

for the chance

to answer the what ifs and whys

for the experience of knowing

something good and extraordinarily true

So while some think us full of crazy

as they continue complicating what remains of time

by holding out for permanence

permanently pondering love in an obscure rhyme

I will hum a tune of a duet I was a part of
when harmony reigned once upon a rainy night

 I spend my hours now

with gratefulness and clarity

and I smile
at all that is beautiful and true

these things I would have never known

 if I never sang with you

BARRIERS

You shouted over
The voice in my head
My thoughts bulldozed
Trapped beneath your volume
Until the last of me was dead
And direction remained unfound
Barriers
of unwanted sound
causing a train to wreck in the night.
The sky was high but dim
and I believe I am somewhere
near that unseen light

Stumbling through a cloud of you

formed through evaporated tears

life became so weak

from the unused, passing years.

So tired left me through with trying

and anger made me wish I could.

Suffocated, panicked,
splashing sorrow.

Unable to swim across a fear

Tempted

to say goodbye to tomorrow

So much inside

needing to come out

and become someone

but the streetlights

stood like prison guards
 throughout the endless night

a permanent curfew

and from a star, hung my suspended dreams

I wonder if your voice wasn't so loud,

would my courage have heard my struggled screams?

All the dusty pieces of me

scattered on a basement floor

I couldn't be whole enough

to be anything more

So here I am,

still as I was...

too broken to break through

the barriers

and I wonder...

 If your voice wasn't so loud

would I have heard
 my own bravery

and walked towards a way out

with enough strength, and a proud heart

to silence each daunting shout?

A Bucket of Coins

I wish a moment didn't stain

The page I still turn back to

I wish life

 would have filled you with breath instead of pain

I wish you could see the heart we felt

I wish you knew gold was beneath the gray

It shined for those you treasured…

It shined even in the heaviest rain

I wish midnight left a trail

So I could walk

 Towards a second that wasn’t too late

I wish you knew that impossible

 was a word never meant for someone

 as incredibly capable

and loved as you

I really wish you  knew…

I wish the morning sun found you awake

I wish the drifting clouds discovered your dreams

And left them by your pillow

 for your open eyes to claim

Still, I understand, the conflict within

Was too much to tame

 I can’t stop wishing…

With tears dropping

 like a bucket of coins in a well of wants

And I’d pay a thousand more

 if it made them come true

If only a penny could bring me your  thoughts

instead I'm only brought my own of you

I wish
because somewhere you’ll hear it and smile

 I wish you could stay

I wish you knew...

MAYBE

Maybe if my life crawled

Slow enough to trace the Earth

And come back to the beginning

Still beating, still burning

More than June’s screaming sun

Maybe if my heart was as proverbial

As one mentioned on many a beloved poet’s page

And attentive eyes studied its rhythm

Sometimes slow, sometimes none at all

Forever living far beyond its allotted time

Maybe if my hands

 touched the bark of the oldest tree,

that has offered more breath

than my lungs will ever struggle for

stronger than the storming centuries it stood up against

Maybe if my eyes came alive

Like a city weekend night

And I were somewhere breaking the speed limit

On the fastest way to not here

Enjoying every unfamiliar turn

Maybe if time would stop stealing

my side of the bed

And leave me with a little room and proper rest

If each hour were as soft and kind as my favorite pillow

I wouldn’t mind its company and I’d be better for it

Maybe…

If I were all these things

I wouldn’t be me.